Saying Goodbyes

Tonight I had my work going away party.  It felt so amazing to feel the love and presence of so many dear people coming to wish me well.  It was fun to talk about leaving and exciting to think of where I’ll be in a month.  Or even, where I’ll be next week.  I feared I would get to my last week of work and feel regret.  Feel regret for what I’m doing, for what I’m leaving.  Regret for leaving a good job, a steady income, a comfortable house, a routine.  However, I’m not regretting leaving any of that.

I’ve realized I think about the “next step.”  I think about this as it makes me feel accomplished or productive in what I have worked through. I treat it almost like a checked box and  I am moving away from what I have done and moving on.  Each step away from a previous walk of life.  However, I’m just now realizing it’s all the same step.  The stair just comes into view a little more clearly with each passing moment, feeling or decision.  I’m not leaving anything behind- I’m just continuing with a new clarity in the step that I have already built.

There has been a lot that has come and gone in my life.  A lot of strife, fear, struggle, joy, elation, wonderment, but I’m not moving and changing course away from all of this.  It’s still there and it’s what has allowed me to get to the place I am today.  It has just started to settle and harden into a little more of my foundation.  A slowly developed foundation that I have harnessed for myself and allows me to build, but if I fail it still supports me until I can regain my footing.

I think in realizing that it’s all in the same step- it has changed my mindset of saying goodbye.  I’m not scared to say goodbye.  Each goodbye is challenging me a bit more and opening up a little more room for experience and self reflection.   It’s nudging me a little harder to get my step into clear view, bit by bit.  Once I leave this place, I’ll never return to the exact same feeling.  I will change and grow, which then will make the return different.  But different isn’t bad.

Fear can easily be felt in jumping ship.  However, if we walk with fear and try to understand it, we come out on the other side even more awake and alive.  If we hide from fear, we are latent. We exist, but we aren’t developed or manifested. So, I’ve decided to jump.  To risk.  Risk can be easy to back away from, but I’m choosing to jump in.  I’m choosing to grab fear by the hand and walk through to the other side to feel on a deeper level.  To live at a higher capacity.  I’m choosing to say goodbye to a lot, in order to gain so much more.

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