I have to be out of my house in 10 days and there is still so much to be done. Last week, I pushed. I pushed every aspect that I could. I pushed it hard. I pushed past the urge to sleep. I pushed past the urge to cry. To sit down. To settle into what was really happening. I pushed so hard that I broke.
I hit complete, overwhelming, all encompassing status last week. I spent the week working, officiating a wedding, packing up my house, pulling everything out in hopes that I could sell items, renting my house out, listing my car to sell, finding homes for the dogs. Every aspect of my life is about to change and I pushed. I prided myself that I could handle the stress without difficulty. I can do it all. I don’t need any help. But then, the itch on my side told me otherwise.
I awoke to the diagnosis of shingles. Finally, I realized and admitted that I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. Not only am I trying to work extra to make more money, but I am trying to soak up each and every moment in my home, with my dogs and with my friends. It all of a sudden became too much.
Saturday, I cried. I teared over everything. I was stressed. I was scared. I was fearful. What am I doing? Did I make a big mistake? Am I walking away from something that is too good? Am I being naive? I had so many questions in my head. I resisted against the fear. Of course I am fearful I will be stepping into the unknown. I don’t know what my life will look like in any way. But a sign from the Universe gave me more than I could ask for.
When I arrived at work, an extra shift that I picked up, I pulled into the parking garage. I unbuckled my belt and reached across the passenger seat to pull in the side mirror as the spaces are so small. Maneuvering with bated breath around the cement column in the parking garage I put my car in park. A deep sigh exited my lungs as I gathered my things to prepare for the day in clinic, when I saw a small grasshopper on the dashboard. How did he get here? I don’t have time to chase a grasshopper in my car! I flicked him out of the open window thinking nothing of the new visitor.
Two days later, after swollen eyes from not sleeping and questioning my next moves, I again pulled up against the curb to head into work. The light was just right and I pulled down the mirror in my car inspecting each mark and hair on my face. For some reason this is a morning ritual before going into work. However, as I slid the mirror shut and slammed the visor back to the roof of the car I looked down seeing a grasshopper on my leg. I paused. He sat there, still. Little did I know you were the messenger that I needed. You were the universe coming to tell me- I’m okay. I followed my heart and I’m are doing everything that you should. Telling me this is terrifying, scary, unconventional, but I am everywhere and everything I need to be. I am present and processing through to be the best I can be.
This grasshopper changed me. I entered work marveling at my second run in with a grasshopper. I have never seen a grasshopper in Portland. Quickly wanting to learn why this new friend keeps coming back in my life- I search the meaning of grasshoppers. The first google search provided me everything I could have hoped for.
“You are being asked to take a leap of faith. Just go ahead and do it without knowing the outcome. Usually this is something that you have avoided doing and is often linked to a large scale change in direction. This can be a change in relationship, career or a change in yourself. Know that you have the wisdom that you need to get past any obstacles in an efficient manner. For the most part all possible outcomes will be positive.”
With this simple paragraph, I was here. I was present. I was exactly where I needed to be. I was doing exactly what I needed to. The universe provides when you don’t think it can. The universe provides the message that is in you, but you just can’t hear it. The message that is deep down and you can’t access it.
It’s amazing how all encompassing our being is and we don’t even allow it to be. We are here. We are everything. We are one. We search for outside sources to fulfill us. We search for the gadgets, the beauty items, the new dress that will make us feel special, loved, happy. However, we are so much more. I’m realizing the more I shed, the more I am able to see the Universe and all she is telling me.